Testimony

I can’t believe I am actually beginning to write this right now.Not just because it’s now 1:30 AM on a school night, or that I should have started this a few weeks ago when I finally decided I would definitely be baptized, but because this marks a defining event of my spiritual journey with God that I have been anticipating for a few years now, ever since those first few weeks that I "returned" to CGCM.This is the first time I have been actually nervous typing at a computer when it was not on account of a rapidly approaching paper deadline.

Church was an intrinsic part of my childhood and Christian values have been instilled within me for as long as I can remember.I believed everything biblical that was taught to me, memorized the bible verses weekly, and basically knew all the answers that the Sunday school teachers would want to hear.But from my perspective as a child, church was just a great fun place to play with friends, go to on holidays, and trade Power Ranger cards.At that age, I obviously did not comprehend the meaning of having a sincere and mature relationship with God.Thus I was unaware of the severity of gradually attending church less and less starting sometime during the 4th or 5th grade.It began with just skipping a week or two of church, which then turned to several consecutive weeks, then a few months, then years.I did not struggle much to stop this even though I knew it was happening; as a child, church just did not seem indispensable to my life, which was the same case with many other things in my life then such as Chinese school.

I really do not recall much from this extended draught of church in my life except for a lot of yo-yoing and video games.I did not really feel the void of spirituality in my life: I guess the absence of something is realized only after it is first experienced.Vague remembrance of church from childhood occurred only after I had seen people I remembered from church on random occasions in that five-year period.

I lived without God until the spring of freshman year.Being a freshman in high school, I was much older physically but as spiritually immature as a 10-year old when I had left church.Sitting in my World Cultures course, I was reading about Christianity in a textbook, realizing how little I actually knew about the true values of Christianity although I was "Christian" (in my mind).I was reminded of how I had grown up in church and wondered what happened to that part of my life.I wondered what the little kids I remember from childhood would be like now.To me back then, the sole reason I came back to church to visit just once after all that time of no church was merely that I was curious about what my childhood church friends would be like then.

The result was incredible.The people looked almost exactly like I remembered them, except bigger, and I remember how very, very long it took me to remember all of your names, regardless of how long you think I knew your name since I came back.(It could have been months).I mostly knew the ones I remembered at all only by their Chinese names.I thought that Steve was a high school member of the youth group until who knows when.It was indescribable to see Kevin and Vincent, Kathy and Joy, Mike and Greg all still at church, having gone to church all through middle school while I had stopped.

Everybody was friendly; I do not know how many of you actually recognized me from so long ago, or if you assumed I was completely new to church, regardless of the fact I had used to attend this church.Not only was seeing the people great and surprising, but I still remember now how I loved the worship music and the energy of the songs.

When I had only first returned to church, I was always very nervous that people would see me as not Christian, although in reality I actually was not one yet anyways.I was faking singing and praying and many aspects of what we do routinely on Sundays just so I wouldn’t feel singled out, and even took the communion one Sunday, not knowing I should only do so after being baptized.I remember how unbelievably uncomfortable I was during worship time, in the first few months of coming back to church because I was so tense, my jaws were just locked together, and I refused to budge even an inch during each entire set because I was so nervous.Coming back to church was not the most comfortable experience of my life, but for some reason I did not shy away just because of how awkward it could be sometimes.

At home after my first visit, regardless of what I did in church, I had the tune of Not Be Shaken in my head the entire first week despite struggling to remember even one line of lyrics from the song, and being frustrated when I forgot the tune of the song. To quote myself in an AIM conversation I had with someone when I had just started coming back to church:

JYYR37: i gues....this yg has been like the most fun/friendly/best part of my life

JYYR37: since...

JYYR37: anything

I do not know exactly how God did it, but there is no way that I could have come back to church so seemingly randomly after so many years of no church and just because of the freshman history curriculum of Wayland High School.One of the firmest foundations of my faith now is just how personally God has worked in my own life; after so many years of just no church and no God, He took the initiative and brought me back to church on His own accord.I had not even prayed to Him in so long, let alone asked Him to do it, He had just planned all along to drop me back into church after so many years.I can’t count how many times I’ve told God how thankful I am for what He has done in my life, it’s one of the most earnest prayers of thanks I give to Him: without His initiative, I could be anybody with no spiritual life, any random set of moral values, but worst, without God in my life.God is now an unchangeable and immovable rock in my life, on whom I rest my faith, and is the reason I don’t worry my life away.He is perfect, always loving, always available to talk to regardless of how frequently I have currently been taking advantage of that fact.Because He sent Jesus down to earth to die for me, for the wrongs I have done, I can be assured of life: an even better life in heaven after death.Because of His love, I can just "Call upon the name of the Lord, and be saved."

Because he put me back into church, I have friends that I am closer to than anybody in the world: the CGCM youth group.I had grown up with many of you as a child and known you in church before I left, and now having come back to church after so many years and still being able to be friends with you makes me cherish my friendships with you more than almost anything in life.I feel such an indescribable connection to you all, I will never take this youth group for granted.

I see now that even if I came back to church for only social reasons at first, it does not matter because my motivations changed to being all for God, and that is what He had planned: to bring me back first, just to be exposed to the ideas and concepts and lifestyles of Christians, and for me to then be absorbed into it.Whatever means he used and whatever motivations He had me have back then I see now just as part of His greater plan, so I am at peace with the reasons I had before.

For the longest time I could not put those feelings into words: it was something I had always meant in those end-of-retreat circles prayer fires during which I rarely spoke, and in my reflection on TC.

What do I have now because of Him?I have God.I have strength in Him.I have faith in Him.I have someone to turn to no matter what overwhelming or excruciating depression might occur in my life.I have someone to thank for everything I have.I have something in life to work for, something in life worth living for.Everything in the world is meaningless without God, and working towards worshiping Him with my whole life is the perfect direction to strive towards.

I have only progressed so far in my faith since I first stepped back into church because of teen conference, Boston project, each summer retreat I have attended, each special event (Walk for Hunger, 30 Hr famine, VBS, joint-services, park outings, all-nighters, ALIVEs, basketball games, mocha houses), each Sunday morning, each Friday night, and all the time that I had to preserve my faith in-between those times.From a more recent event in terms of my spiritual life, my first Teen Conference had shown and taught me so many extremely valuable lessons to living a life with God.One of those was actually "Quit playing church," which is slightly ironic in that at first I was doing it literally when I had first come back, but later, having progressed through my faith a little bit, I was doing it obliviously in going through the motions of church so casually.The lesson made me pay more attention to how much heart and thought I put into going to church and playing on the worship team, and that just going through the motions does not please God.Another very important lesson I learned from the Teen Conference retreat can be summed up for me in three words: faith over emotions.Our emotions are always changing, but our faith in God should be unshakable: thus our faiths cannot be rested on the foundation of emotions. If we can’t "feel" God's presence at certain times in our life, however often or rarely that happens, we should not doubt God's existence just because of that.God is always constant and everlasting, and just because our human minds and emotions can’t comprehend that, our faith in Him should not be wavering.

Thus I believe that no matter how far I could fall away from God within the course of my life, I will, no matter what, always be struggling to find answers and always be coming back to church in the future, just to keep at least a slight ray of hope that will keep my faith alive. Having realized this at least a few months ago, I knew then that I was prepared to be baptized.Thus today I can be confident in my choice to proclaim my faith that God is infinitely great and that he did indeed send His son Jesus down to Earth in order to die for the sins of you and me.I believe that Jesus was raised from His death because He is God.I believe I am forgiven for the wrongs I have done.Thank You God.